Lately, I’ve been struggling with stress and a vague sense of unhappiness. I’ve not been managing it well either. I’ve let these feelings creep into my work life, home life, and inner life. I’ve soothed them – with nice food, lots of rest and television and wine.
Actually, I thought I was soothing them and myself. I thought I was giving them what they wanted so they would go away, but I was only making them worse. The little bastards started to spill over and affect everything – my sleep, my workouts, my conversations …
and now I just want to be empty.
I want to be empty of accumulated anger. I’ve been angry at things I can’t control at work, at people who don’t pull their weight, at old hurts inflicted.
I want to be empty of needless desires. I’ve been turning to wine and not tasting it but drinking it down instead. This is not honoring the gift or the work that someone put into making it. It’s not helping the desire, which isn’t really desire for something at all, just a feeling of emptiness that seems to want to be filled.
I want to accept that feeling of emptiness and embrace it. I want to hold it lightly with me and let it simply be. I won’t fill it. I’ll leave it empty.
I want to let my body feel a little hungry and empty.
I want my mind to feel quiet and empty.
I want my heart to feel safe and empty.
I want to accept. To feel joy again. To laugh. But not at the expense of putting or allowing things into myself that are harmful.
I’m working on being empty.